I’m moving. I’m sick and tired of living here. I’m sick and tired of having my creativity buried beneath decades of survival instinct. I’m sick and tired of planning my creativity to death, and wondering why in the world it’s less than I know it ought to be. It’s killing me
I’m moving. I’m moving out completely from the survival oriented place of my left-brain, into the rapturous place of creativity unfettered – my right-brain. I cannot function as a right-brain creative and reside in the mental rooms of my left-brain. I don’t think anybody can, really, so I’m moving in next-door.
It’s my childhood and youth – they weren’t pleasant. I lived as a warrior, weapons out, always en-garde for any little creak or thump of approaching dangers. I’ve lived here so long that it’s become far too comfortable. This is why most of the art I create tends to be hyper-planned, and robotic. It’s also the reason I’m having trouble breaking out into new creative expression.
Many dear friends, and my family have all worked for years to help me put away my “need” to live with my fangs out, trusting only in well-laid plans, and shunning all forms of improvisation and serendipity.
I’ve been at this visual art for about 5-years now, ever since the theatre company I had the privilege of leading closed its doors. It was there in the context of collaboration that I found friends who encouraged me to plan less and improvise more; to take more risks, and embrace a spiritual/organic approach to my creative work. It’s where my early understanding of faith & art developed.
Now that I’ve moved onto solo work as a visual artist, it’s me, God, and both sides of my brain up here in the ArtRoom Studio. It was simpler in theatre to trust a Creative Team. We had a group-think kind of thing going. We could bounce ideas of one another.
These days, and I’m not lamenting here, I do everything I can to constantly be in God’s presence. I often put on worship music, Christian Pop, or Christian Rock (very motivational). I journal, which is literally a spiritual walk in the Garden with the Lord. He and I talk about everything, His Word, my past, my future. Together, we mine my life-experiences for creative ideas. I love these times, but the process of really, deeply letting go takes time – lots of time.
In these walks together, we’ve discovered more than one thorn in my heart which He has removed and healed over. Believe it or not, I actually love the scars because they remind me from whence I’ve come, and how God’s love miraculously transforms even life’s most pain-filled events into treasure. But that’s another blog post.
So now I refocus. Now I focus on deliberately taking ever more difficult risks, living with deliberate intention and purpose, and embracing the energy of “fear” (resistance). Now I remind myself with quiet statements of, “No judgment. God loves you, He has equipped you. This is His intention for your life. Go and make meaning in faith & confidence.”
I think I’m going to like my new right-brain digs. I just need to learn to remain here and to stop running back to what, after 40-years of residence, has become so bitterly comfortable.